Are You Too Aggressive?

The one thing I keep hearing from men during my market research is that many women in New York are too aggressive. This can mean a lot of different things so, I'll give you some examples. 

A friend told me that he went out with a beautiful, smart woman who worked in finance. On paper she had everything. He was very excited to meet her but that excitement turned to, "OMG I have to spend a whole hour with this person??". He said she instantly came off aggressive. She asked very uninteresting, "interview" type questions to figure out how much money he was making. She didn't have a single bit of passion inside her - besides figuring out his bank statement balance. This friend is very successful but he doesn't lead with his money. He is looking for someone who is passionate about life, someone he can sit and talk to for hours. She didn't have any life in her because she was just trying to check off boxes on her checklist for the role of "future husband". 

It's so important to get to know someone on a deeper level on a first date if you ever want to get to a second. We, as New Yorkers, go on a ton of first dates so you have to stand out. It's safe to assume that if you live on this little island you're making plenty of money. Don't worry about where he works but instead ask him if he is passionate about his job. Ask him what he would be doing if money wasn't an option. Maybe even ask him what his first job was - you might bond over scooping ice cream cones when you were 16. Get to know who someone truly is rather than what his stats are. It's a long life, you don't want to spend it with someone you don't have anything in common with besides a love of money. 

Another guy friend told me about his female friend who also comes off as aggressive, but in a very different way. He said if she doesn't get her way on a trip or on a night out, she will make a face and let it ruin her (and his) entire night. There isn't a single guy on this planet who will find that type of behavior "cute". It's immature and selfish and will make every man you meet run for the hills. Of course we all want things to go our way but the sign of maturity and compassion is to handle defeat gracefully. Maybe your friends all decided to go to a karaoke bar but you wanted to go dancing at a club. Suck it up and just have a good time. Maybe the love of your life is singing his heart out in the room next to you but you'll completely miss him because you're sulking in the corner. Men want to date a secure, confident woman, not a petulant child. Getting angry or upset easily because you're not getting your way screams insecurity and immaturity. That's not exactly the first impression you want to make. 

This is also true for when you're newly seeing someone, especially if you've already slept together. If he does something you don't like or didn't make plans with you for the following weekend, don't send aggressive texts. You never know what the other person has going on. Rather than sabotaging the new relationship with a mean text, just wait it out and let him come around. Guys tend to get freaked out in the beginning if things progress too quickly so don't give him any reason to completely shut down the relationship. Always take it slow and see how things unwind. Being mean or aggressive is not the way to get someone to like you! 

The last example I'll share with you is the girl who tries too hard at the bar. You've seen this numerous time, I'm sure. She's the girl who will NOT take no for an answer. She is the girl throwing herself at the guy. She might be buying him shots or dancing seductively. She basically screams, "TAKE ME HOME, I'M EASY!" For most guys, they will certainly take her home but they sure as hell won't be taking her out any time soon. A guy friend told me he would never go for a girl like that because it's just too sad. She has insecure written all over her and he just can't find that sexy. 

I definitely recommend my clients start up conversations at the bar with cute guys but that's where it ends. By no means would I suggest throwing your sexuality at him like a ton of bricks. While men do want a woman who is sexy, it's the confident sexiness that they are looking for. Someone who is comfortable in their own skin and doesn't need a man to prove her self worth. A cheeky smile is usually enough to get a guy's attention - you don't need to be grinding him to get the message across. The chase is half the fun so don't make it too easy. Show a little interest and then back off. 

Within all of these examples the common theme is insecurity. If you feel like you're not good enough for some guy then he definitely won't either. Some of the most beautiful women I know are extremely insecure and fall into one of these three categories. It's not about being outwardly beautiful. That only pulls the guy in for a moment. It's the inward beauty that keeps him, which comes from self love. If you're truly unhappy and don't feel like you're a catch, that's the first thing you need to address before you can even think about finding a relationship. That's the first step in my program. Let me help you if this speaks to you.



Anna Morgenstern