Finding Your Identity

As I’m screening people for my matchmaking clients, I make sure to always ask them what their interests and passions are. What I’m really asking is what their identity is. What makes up their identity? Who are they? What drives them? One of the most common themes I hear from men and women is that they want someone with passion. It doesn’t matter if this passion is making you millions of dollars or if it’s even your full time gig. It just matters that it’s present in your life. Having some sort of purpose in life is very attractive and having no direction or no reason to get up in the morning is usually a huge turnoff.

I have written before about how important it is to have a few passions in life to bring up when on a first date. New Yorkers go on so many first dates and the only way to stand out is to connect on a deep level. The best way to create that connection is to bond over a mutual passion or interest. Being able to understand someone’s identity on a first date is really powerful. To get a good sense of who they are and what drives them helps you feel connected to them. That will be a date that will lead to a second date, guaranteed.

If you’re thinking that you don’t really do anything besides work and workout, make a list tonight of 10 activities you’ve always wanted to try or used to be active in but maybe fell off. Try to commit to three of them. Join groups that will give you a sense of pride in yourself. Volunteering, meditation, creative writing, whatever it may be - get started immediately and don’t be scared to tell your friends and family your new hobbies. Maybe someone in your inner circle will be inspired to join you.

I sometimes hear clients talk about changing themselves to better fit someone else. Losing your identity in a relationship is a surefire way too make sure the relationship crashes and burns. The person who entered the relationship with you did so because they really liked who they saw. Changing that person your partner originally fell for will make them exit the relationship just as quickly as they entered it.

We hear a lot about “staying true to ourselves” but it’s true. If you hold on to your identity you won’t feel as broken if the relationship does end or if you get rejected by someone attractive at the bar. You will understand that it’s not personal. You are amazing just as you are and if someone doesn’t see that, it isn’t personal. There are plenty of other people who will think you are just great exactly how you are.

Open a notebook and write down your identity, “I am…” and never lose it.



Anna Morgenstern