First Date Dealbreakers

As a dating coach, my friends are constantly telling me their dating stories, which I love! What I most commonly hear is why a first date was terrible. I always pry for more information for my own personal research and want to share some findings with you. 

Talking about your ex. Don't do it on the first few dates. The first date should just be fun and light to see if there is any sexual chemistry and if you guys can have an easy conversation. Bringing up anything from your past could lead the other person to think you're either not over your ex or that you're bitter or jaded - both are not sexy and will guarantee no second date. Even if you're bringing up a harmless story about how you once traveled to Greece and oh yeah, it was with your ex, no big deal. It may feel like no big deal to you but the other person is picking apart everything you are saying to make a final determination if they want to see you again. I always tell me friends and clients that you start a first date at 100. This person clearly is attracted to you and is taking time off from their schedule to make time to meet you. Throughout the night that person is deducting points based on what you say. They already think you're good looking so it's 100% based on personality. One story about an ex could deduct 15 points. You mention you don't like your weight - that's another 15 points. You said something negative about your roommate? That's minus 10 points. You see how it works? Everything negative you talk about will make that person deduct points. If you leave the night with a D on your report card, you probably won't get a second date. 

Another deal breaker I hear is someone who is rude to either restaurant or bar staff or is rude to the actual person they are on the date with. I, myself, was on a date once with a guy who spent 20 minutes yelling at me that I didn't understand how low income individuals have no chance at excelling in a career, which I still disagree with. He had no idea my own family background and assumed I was some privileged white girl who didn't know what I was talking about. All I simply said is that if you really want something to happen, you make it happen. After he yelled at me, he seemed to come back to and apologized for going off. I told him that on a first date it's best not to be negative. Well that set him off again and he stormed out of the restaurant, leaving me sitting alone at the table. Honestly, I was relieved.

My friend was telling the other day how her date was rude to their server. I also have seen friends constantly send back meals or drinks but something just isn't quite right and doing so without saying "please" or "thank you". I can't imagine feeling more uncomfortable on a first date. Actually, I do have one more story...

That leads to the third deal breaker. Talking about money. I was on a date with a guy who spent the first 15 minutes of the date telling me how he doesn't understand why women in New York expect men to pay for the first date. Well - imagine how I felt sitting there next to him on a first date? The same is true when you're on a date with someone who brags about being on this yacht or only flying first class . It's obnoxious and shallow. If you're trying to attract someone who will love you for who you are, not your wealth, then you shouldn't lead with your extravagant lifestyle.  

On a first date talk about what lights you up. What drives you? What makes you wake up in the morning? Is it family? Friends? Pets? Volunteering? Traveling? Cooking? Talk about the things that make you excited and that are important to you in a future partner. If you do that, you'll guarantee yourself a second date. 



Anna Morgenstern