How To Win The Breakup

I've recently had two friends call me during a breakup. They were both very upset and neither had wanted their relationships to end. Being broken up with is probably one of the hardest emotional experiences we will have to go through as humans but all is not lost. 

I remember going through my own breakup last year and feeling unlovable and undeserving of love. I thought something was just wrong with me. Luckily, I had a friend who coached me through it and now I'm able to share the wisdom with you!

First thing to remember is that there are many different people you could end up with. There isn't just one perfect person for you. There are thousands. So, if you get broken up with, chances are you won't die alone. I know it can feel like no one will ever love you the way this person did or that you will never feel a connection this strong again. You will. Actually, you might find something even better. 

So, you just got dumped and you're sitting at home crying wondering how you're going to exchange keys or get your favorite sweater back. You think about all the weddings you committed to and how you're going to explain this to your parents. First step is to take a deep breath. There is no problem without a solution. Before you start sending depressing texts to your new ex or write that long, dramatic email, STOP. Breathe. If you want to win the breakup and have the slightest chance of winning them back, this is the most crucial time for you to not do anything. Don't respond to any texts for a while. Don't post anything on social media. Don't remove any pictures from social media. Nothing. Of course they will reach out asking how you are doing and if they can get their stuff back. You must be calm and unemotional. This person chose to see what life would be like without you. Let them see exactly what that will be like. The only text you should send back is, "Good luck with everything and I'll send you your stuff this week. You can do the same with mine." No emotion just a rational solution to a problem. You absolutely cannot see them in person. It will be too difficult for you to keep it together. You must come from a place of strength and not break down. 

Your ex probably wants to see you upset and maybe even grovel to get them back so when you don't behave that way, they will feel pretty confused by your actions. Send them their stuff back and never text again. Don't look at their social media - in fact - unfollow everything. Defriend, unfollow and move on. Your ex will most likely text you sporadically asking how you're doing but your job is to never respond. The only text you are allowed to respond to is, "I made a huge mistake, I need to talk to you now!!!" 

Two scenarios will happen: 1. You will set yourself up to completely move on. You've stopped following them on all social media and you are not responding to any texts. You didn't send that long, sad email and you're coming from a place  of strength. Your ex didn't come back asking for a second chance but it's OK. You have moved on! 2. Your ex is really confused why you haven't answered any texts and is feeling like maybe they made a mistake. Because you're coming off as a strong, confident person, they start remembering why they were attracted to you in the first place. They come back and it's your choice if you choose to let them back in. Either scenario is a win-win. 

When you love yourself and know that you deserve to be with someone who will stand by you through thick or thin, you will let the people who don't want to be there go. It's easier to let go of people when you really think about if the relationship made you happy. I always tell clients and friends to journal post-breakup and list everything they loved about the relationship and everything they didn't. Sometimes they realize the relationship didn't actually make them happy. 

If you're going through a breakup and need someone to coach you through it, I'm now offering a new program called "How to Win the Breakup". You'll get nonstop support post-breakup and I guarantee you will come out the other end MUCH better! Email me for details.


Anna Morgenstern