Surviving The First Two Months
I took a look at my site analytics and it looks like lots of you read my post Getting Past 6-8 Weeks so I thought I would add some additional thoughts on this topic.
I truly believe it almost feels harder to move on after a promising relationship is cut off too short. You feel confused and unsure why the other person didn’t see the relationship as you did. You thought there was something special there while they seemed fine to break it off.
A lot of what I tell clients and friends is that you always want to give yourself the best possible option to get the results you want. Even if you follow a specific plan and believe you have played everything perfectly, it doesn’t mean that the relationship will necessarily lead to wedding bells but if you behave in a way that comes from a place of self love and respect, you won’t regret it.
I’ve seen people back away early on in a new relationship if they feel like the other person has stronger feelings than they do and because they do care about you, they would rather break it off early than string you along. With that in mind, do everything in your power to take it slow. That includes inside your brain too. Don’t spend hours daydreaming about your future dog, house, family, etc. Enjoy your time together and truly get to know one another before projecting any fantasies on them. The best way to do that is to take the physical relationship slowly. Rushing into intimacy literally tricks your brain into thinking this person is your soul mate when, in reality, you don’t know them all that well. You’ll never regret not sleeping with them sooner!
Another reason a relationship can be cut short is if your partner doesn’t see a long-term future with you. There are many reasons why this can happen and I’ll do my best to explain a few:
Emotionally unstable: Your partner may believe you are emotionally unstable if you have shown them that you can’t handle certain life events. I’ve seen a friend not get second date because she cried on a first date after discussing Hillary Clinton’s loss. You’re allowed to have political views but you shouldn’t crumble on a date because of the political client. Her date said she is a lovely person but he was worried that if she can’t handle something that doesn’t directly impact her, how would she handle someone that touched her personally like a child, mortgage, injury, etc. Another example of this is reacting emotionally rather than logically. Your partner will do things that will hurt you unintentionally. Rather than screaming your head off at them, just talk to them calmly about the behavior that you would like changed. They are much more likely to change if you are direct and concise. After you’ve talked about the issue and resolved it, move on. Don’t bring it back up in future arguments. That’s a sure fire way to make your partner run.
Lifestyle: Your partner is looking to see if you’re someone they can introduce to their family and maybe even start your own family one day. Are you showing them how you would be a good partner, a good parent? If you’re still out several nights a week, getting drunk and making bad decisions, they will not take you seriously. If you’re the sloppy drunk at the party, they will be scared to introduce you to their family in case you get sloppy around them as well. Are you an angry drunk saying things you don’t mean and then forgetting them the next day? Your partner will most likely forgive a few outliers but if your bad behavior is constant, they will most certainly end the relationship. Be the person your partner will be proud to be seen with.
Compatibility: Your partner will be looking to see if you two are compatible. They will be looking if your interests are aligned. If you absolutely hate skiing or being in cold weather but that’s their biggest passion, you two might not be compatible. If you prefer the mountains and they prefer the beach, they may use that as a reason to break up. You two are definitely allowed to have different interests but there should be some commonalities. You two should have similar lifestyles and want similar things out of life. Does your partner definitely see children in your future but you’re not so sure? Do you see yourself moving back to the west coast while your partner can’t imagine life outside of NYC? These are all things your partner is looking for in the first few months to make sure you two are compatible.
Be careful what you say and how you behave when entering a new relationship because your partner will notice the small things and will be deciding if you’re the one for them. Be the kind, thoughtful and caring person they initially saw. Don’t doubt yourself or the relationship. Confidence is key.